50 at 50?

 It's been a long time.

I have another blog now with a very different purpose and audience.  Some of you are subscribers to both - thank you!  

It has been a rough few years - chronic illness, tough economic times, medication reactions and perimenopause, which is definitely a thing!  In the last year and a couple of months I've gained 35 pounds, and it doesn't seem to be as easy to take it off as it used to be.  Nowhere near as easy.

My doctor says to lose weight but says nothing helpful.  He is a low fat vegan and those of you who have been with me for any length of time know how I feel about that.  

For a long time I couldn't afford a gym anymore, so I lost my weight lifting routine.  I couldn't afford yoga, so I stopped going to classes though I kept up a daily home practice.  But now I have a new job and not only joined a gym, I signed up for these interesting four person at a time personal training classes that cost a quarter of what regular personal training does, but you still get individual attention.  The gym is lovely, clean and close to my new office.  I love it.  I am happy there.  

I don't feel like myself at a higher weight.  I feel like I am living in an alien body.  I hate not having the cardio fitness and strength and flexibility that I had had for so long.  Yet it does not help to beat myself up about it.  Just work the problem, and be happy at the steps, not just the result. 

I turn fifty on August 2.  I had so wanted to have my happy body again by 50.  That won't happen.  On the scale at the gym yesterday I weighed 165.  That's from someone whose high weight before had been 136, except for a short period of time in 2016 when I briefly got up to 160.  I've never been one of those people who stays thin naturally.  I have to work at it, and now that I am older, I have to work at it more.

I've also lost a lot of muscle mass.  Two years ago I was hospitalized and put on a ventilator for eight days due to a medical error.  Yes, I made a complaint to the Department of Health (it went nowhere), yes, I looked into suing but since I didn't die, they said I didn't have a case.  Spending eight days immobilized has permanent consequences for muscle mass, and I worked hard to build it back.  I was getting there when tremendous tragedy in my life struck, and I got far off from my healthy practices.  Recurring bouts of chronic illness didn't help either.

Now I have some stability and am getting back in shape.  Oddly enough, I actually manage to look pretty good.  I hate my belly, but I still wear clothes well and a lot of the fat went to the boobs.  A few things to be thankful for. 

While building muscle and cardiovascular health are my real goals, there is something catchy about losing fifty pounds over the course of my fiftieth year.  The calculations the trainer did at the gym, after taking measurements of body fat and skeletal muscle and various tests of strength and mobility say that it's all quite doable, if I just do the work.  And y'all know I am capable of doing the work.

I thought I'd go back to regularly using a food diary.  Checking in with you bloggie friends is always helpful, and why not start now. 

So here's what I've eaten so far today: 

2 "Don't Be Piggy" Wegman's vegetarian sausage patties, 80 calories each, 9 g protein each.  My goal is 30 g protein at each of three meals a day, but it may take a little while to get back there.  

Here is a start.