I Need A Quick Fix

That's a line from one of my old mix tapes, a song called "Sick and Beautiful" by Melt. It's on one of the darkest mix tapes I've ever made, and I've made some pretty dark mix tapes. But I challenge any of you to spend your first year out of Yale on the road in the South, spending fourteen hours a day visiting workers who slam the door in your face when you try to talk about the union. Then see if you don't make some dark mix tapes.

It is the title of this post because it's exactly what I was thinking last night as I printed out some stuff off of Aubrey de Grey's website, http://www.gen.cam.ac.uk/sens/, to read at home. One of my favorite things to do is to get into bed with a nice glass of red wine (4 oz) and a good article. I was feeling a bit low, having just returned from a five hour drive in the rain, and I figured Dr. de Grey could cheer me right up. In the post-conference world, I am finding the that frequent email contact with my CR brothers and sisters combined with fresh stuff from the SENS website is keeping me from running screaming out the door.

All that preamble leads to a discussion I was thinking of taking up with my blog readers. I'm thinking of putting a picture up on the blog. I've resisted doing so for several reasons up till now: 1) as a young single woman, it is always a bit odd to put your picture up on a website. I have not wanted my blog to be misinterpreted as a very long personal ad (I assure you, there are much easier ways to pick up guys than eating 1100 calories a day!) 2) I can't decide what I would want to look like in a picture. I mean, this blog is about my CR life, not my work, so pictures of me in my work clothes (business suit, conservative yet high heels, tasteful makeup) wouldn't really be right. I'd like to imagine myself in my CR life as something like a heroine in a science fiction novel, like Molly in _Neuromancer_. I've found myself recently thinking, as I contemplate buying clothes that actually fit, "What would Molly wear?"

Last night as I was walking down the long sidewalk to my apartment in the rain, it occured to me that how I looked then was really a more accurate representation of who I really am: hair wet from the rain, desperately trying not to touch anything because I'd just gotten my nails done (it's a razorgirl thing, you wouldn't understand, unless you've read _Neuromancer_), clutching a stack of de Grey articles in one hand, my walkman in another, and a Hello Kitty totebag stuffed with workclothes from my recent trip over my shoulder. Skirt dragging the ground because having lost thirty-three pounds, I no longer have the waist or the hips to hold it up. Feet getting very cold because wet skirt is hitting freshly pedicured toes. (If you're going to live forever, there's no excuse for not taking care of your feet.) I suddenly envied some of my CR superheroes who actually manage to look like superheroes. I really must work on this.

First, I need clothes that fit. That's just a given, but I keep spending money on other stuff and not taking myself shopping. I also hesistate to buy much until my weight stabilizes, and I feel like I have a ways to go on that (more on that next entry.)

Second, I need to figure out what I look like as a thin person. I've never been fat, but I've never been as thin as I am now, and I suspect that I will get even thinner. (One funny thing about the CR world... saying that someone is *not* skinny is a compliment. We had a discussion about this in the car when five of us were packed into the front of a pick up truck that seats 3.) I am still living with an image of myself that doesn't quite fit how I look now, and sometimes I am startled when I catch my reflection in the mirror. For example, this morning I threw on some black leggings, a sweater, and hiking boots, just something quick to run around in the rain taking my mother to the airport and doing errands. In the ladies room at my office I walked by a full-length mirror and was shocked at how small I am now. I like it. I worry that others in my life won't like it, but it's a risk I'm willing to take to add many years to my life. (more on my newest answer to "You're too thin" coming up) Especially after seeing some of the more experienced CR folk in person.

After all the silly popular press about hardcore CR practitioners looking gaunt and sickly, I feel I owe it to my readers to debunk that myth. The most serious, most long term of the people I met looked so vibrantly, creepily healthy that I thought to myself: This is the best possible advertisement for the benefits of CRON. For one thing, everyone looks much, much younger than they are. And then there's the clear, glowing skin. Then there's the clear, glowing eyes. You see why I felt like I was in a science fiction movie? If any of the brothers had mentioned that he happened to be an elf, and that's why he was so beautiful and would live forever, it would have seemed perfectly reasonable. Go watch Lord of the Rings. This is what CR can do for you. The great thing about CR is that while you have to be born an elf (or maybe marry an elf... whatever happened about that whole thing with the mortal who was in love with Liv Tyler, did he get to be immortal cause he married an elf? I never saw the last two movies) you can eat (or not eat) your way into just looking like an elf. CRON is so democratic that way, I love it.

I am very excited to see that the benefits of CRON that I have seen in my own appearance in a short time seem to be magnified with time and degree of intensity. As I said in the last meeting, I look better now when I wake up in the morning after three hours of sleep than I used to look fully rested with makeup on. So that's one reason why now I think I may put up a picture. As I quote lighter and lighter weights, those of you who haven't seen me may be wondering, okay, but does she look like a chemo patient? I can assure you I do not. But why should you take my word for it?

Anyway, I have no good pics yet so it'll be awhile before I figure this out.